Progressive Writers Bloc

Time to Invade Canada

Uncle Bill Warner

Canada is a definite threat to the U.S., and should be brought under U.S. control until such time they can get their act together. A recent article in "le Devoir" outlines Ottawa's threat. In retaliation for illegal U.S. collections of some 4 billion dollars in softwood lumber tariffs, Canada is threatening to cut off oil shipments to the U.S.! How dare they think they can use their oil to force us to respect an international trade agreement (NAFTA)? In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister stated, "Its certain that the energy security of the United States is an enormous preoccupation for the Bush administration...and the United States must know that, if they want to count on Canadian help...they must keep Canada happy." Well, Canada is not there to keep Canadians happy, it us there to keep US happy!

Now, 99.9% of Canada's energy exports come to the Unites States, but they are now talking about sending 450,000 barrels a day to China because the United States "...does not keep its word." They regard the U.S. violations of the NAFTA Treaty with some concern. They say they are losing respect. Why should America invest in Canadian oil enterprises if they are going to blackmail us with it? And besides, we are strong enough to do what we darn well please, like we do in the rest of the world.

Their using oil as a weapon would be sort of like Saudi Arabia, Iraq, or Iran telling the U.S. they were not going to ship us any more oil until we stopped supporting Israel (a state they would like to see abolished). Just as we can't have that, and must guarantee our oil supply from the Middle East as our economy is dependent on it, we must guarantee it from Canada. We could pretend they have weapons of mass destruction, or are acquiring a nuclear bomb as an excuse, not that we need one. We could also go to protect the freedom of the Inuits, Quebecois, or Newfies.

It should be easy to shock and awe them into submission. They don't have much of an army, and could not put up any more of a fight than the Iraqis did. Once they were subdued, we could send in Halliburton and Bechtel to rebuild their infrastructure and build permanent U.S. bases there. They would be relatively easy to occupy, as they speak a variant of English, which is spoken by most of our troops. Even factoring in Quebec, 80% of our troops could communicate with the occupied populace, as opposed to .001% of our troops in Iraq who can speak Kurdish. When we yelled, "Stop or I'll shoot!" in English at a Canadian, he'd probably get the idea and stop, unlike the Iraqis who don't have the foggiest.

We need assured supplies of Canadian exports such as oil (especially oil), hydroelectrically generated electricity, natural gas, pulpwood and lumber so we can keep building 4,000 sq ft houses and also printing the New York Times. Both of my vehicles, a Dodge Caravan and a Toyota were made in Canada. What if they stopped shipping them down here because we were harassing them for some reason? We'd be left driving Yugos...!

Consider this, the United States is the largest foreign investor in Canada ($228 billion in 2004) and we have to protect our investment. The Canadians are getting far too big a share of the profits from this investment, as witnessed by the fact they have a lot of money left over and are using it buy the U.S. (what is left after the Chinese and Saudis get theirs). That $165 billion they have invested down here should be used to benefit us, not them. According to that noted economist, Anne Coulter, "We keep their economy afloat." It is time we stopped doing that, and just took it over for our benefit. They think that just because they're "Americans" (living in North America) they can rely on us to keep them going.

Respected foreign policy analyst Tucker Carlson has said, "Canadians with ambition move to the United States." Well, a U.S. occupation could stop all of that by making Canada a bastion of freedom and a more desirable place to live with our version of liberty, democracy, guns, and Fox News. They would be grateful to finally become a part of our great empire.

Besides, we have long memories, and remember how Canada continued to trade with North Vietnam back in the 70's? Who do they think they are? We need to liberate them from their leaders who don't do things our way! We invaded them before in our Revolutionary days, and by golly, we can do it again!

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